Winter doldrums

This is my antidote. I use my summer sunscreen as a moisturizer, and throughout the day whenever I catch a whiff, I think of warm sun and summer. It’s a little head game that works 99% of the time. Sometimes, on a winter mail boat ride to the mainland, I will get asked, “Barb, are you wearing your Coppertone today?” It’s nice to know there are a few people who count on me for my quirks.

This has been one hell of a snowy winter so far, and we have not even had to deal with half the snow that people in other states have seen.  It’s pretty and somewhat novel considering we had about 2 snowstorms last winter and they were both in December of  ’09.

Bruce and I worked on getting tax figures together this morning, I took some photos when we walked before lunch, worked on my own tax stuff this afternoon and then had a massage. It sounds pretty ideal doesn’t it? But, this was one of those 1% days, when the Coppertone seemed to have no effect. No matter what I did I could not stop the downhill slide of my mood. I know what caused it and I am embarrassed to admit it. When I looked at my gross income from jewelry sales, and factored in all my expenses from supplies, periodicals, books, shipping, in-kind donations to non-profits, a conference at Purdue, and a workshop in Vermont, I had my lowest net income in many years. The two numbers were almost even. Thank god we are not relying on this to run our household right now. Bruce is not so worried since we file a joint return and he is happy to have me share my many expenses and low income as a counterbalance to his good year of catching lobsters. But my self confidence was trashed by a stupid number, and all I could think was that I sucked as an artist. The massage felt great, of course, but I was so low I think I allowed it to spread the toxin of self doubt throughout my body in a nice even layer.

Sometimes the only thing to do for a mood like this is to post a few snowy photos and go to bed. Tomorrow is a whole new day and I am spending it off the island. (I’d rather stay home, so that projection is not helping my mood either.) Yikes. I better stop this before my friend Susan tells me it’s time to call in the “Whaaaaambulance.” (whaa whaa whaa.)  It’s a fine line between self pity and feeling like a turd; both optional and totally unproductive. It’s time to suck it up and reapply the sunscreen.